You ever wake up, with this in your head in the morning?

The F***ing Hindenburg blows up!

The Grim Rapper - Robin Williams (Live 2002)

SLUGS!

For some reason my parents have never heard of the slug beer trap. They've been complaining for weeks about "something" eating the sunflowers before they were ripe until I chimed in that it's probably the slugs. And not the cute snails with the shells, the ones that you used to keep as a pet in a jar. I did. But that was Poland and pets were scarce so you did what you had to.

You'd put them in a jar with a lid with holes on the top along with a side of lettuce and wonder why they were so fucked up. "They act retarded, dad."

"It's probably the fucking slugs," I said. "Those homeless fucks without the shells, the big ones. They are doing it," I said. Great, now I'm a gardener. Now I have to offer tips on how to preserve my parent's garden. They planted tomatoes and sunflowers and even they can't believe that things are growing.

"All that burned jet fuel that falls on these houses does not affect the plants. But the noise does," dad said.

Beer, I said, beer traps are made so that they drown in beer.

It was as if I was dropping down some new knowledge on my parents. Shit that they've never heard of.

"I've never seen it work," dad said. Mom said it doesn't make sense. I tried to explain that the scent of the beer is unbearable and that they just need to have it and flock to it like wildfire. But I was talking on deaf ears, as each cracked a beer open.

"Fuck, it does makes sense, it's like the oldest trick in the book. They love beer. They come in, they drink up and drown."

How the hell did my parents not know about this love affair snails and slugs have with beer? My dad resembles a slug sometimes when he doesn't exercise. My mom looks like she's 35, but that's just because she's been taking care of herself.

"We can use the soup plates from the house," dad said. "We are not using the soup plates from the house," mom said. Jesus, plastic cup, a plastic bowl, anything is fine. We're dealing with very intelligent life forms here.

Whatever. I went to get beer, set up the traps and then the Polak imagination began to run free. (Beer helped.) And as I was digging the holes for the traps, I couldn't help to think about what if these wives' tales were false.

"Those are big slugs, what if we just built a beer Jacuzzi for them and we'll find one with a cigarette in its mouth and two hot snail blondes next to him going 'This is great, thanks for the beer," I said.

What if they don't like Miller Lite, which my mom drinks for some odd reason. I guess hardcore + age leads to Miller Lite and Lite cigarettes. "I like it lite." As opposed to what?

Fuck em. The snails get Miller Lite. I want to hear the complaints from the slugs. "We ain't drinking this American powdered shit! Bring us the good stuff!"

Now I'm being bullied by snails, not even drinking the beer anymore, all of it goes into the Jacuzzi project and the fuckers are not dying and the sunflowers are looking worse and worse. I've seen a snail wink at me with those four eyes as if to say "That pool ain't deep enough, motherfucker. Thanks for the party."

I kid.

The slugs went down in a bath of beer and failed dreams shouting "I'll eat that whole sunflower someday."

This is "gonzo journalism" when you notice that your parents are getting older.

If only General Motors saw this before. Cat's out of the bag now.

Robert Schimmel on Siegfried and Roy

That poor white tiger finally gave out. Well may it rest in peace.

This never made any sense.

One thing that always got to me about the "Highlander" was that during the first battle, everyone all of a sudden knows NOT to attack MacLeod. Like they had a meeting, and in 1536, they passed around flyers about who not to kill in the middle of battle. Rough sketches, that out of all the long-haired men, this is the one not to kill.



"Not this one. But this one. When you're in the field and you see this one, do not kill him. That's for the Kurgan. Not this one, this one." Sorry, I think they are all trying to be proper English.



And a whole army listened. That's what's great.



(Yes, geek territory, but the movie was pretty fucking bad ass).