Why is the rum gone?

Setting sail to see the new Pirates movie wasn't difficult. Of course, I opted for the matinee because no one in their right mind should pay full price for a movie ticket. It's either a pack of cigarettes or the "privilege" to see what Hollywood has to offer. And those buggers are rich enough. Bloody pirates.

And like most American theater experiences, an adventure in and of itself, this one was no different.

I tend to sit at the wings of a movie theater. My local cineplex serves the type of people that would rather crowd in the center than take a left and lounge on the seats, balls out (if it were that type of a theater).

Which leads me to a few grievances I have. Now I know that I am not perfect when it comes to watching movies. But I do try to be courteous. I reserve my judgement for better occasions, such as this one.

Finding a seat is never easy. Especially when all the lights go off and one has to do that sleepwalk, hopefully no one will kick me in the shins thing. It's also amusing to me to watch fellow man battle the conventions that are imposed on us by the movie house.

Indecision, I find, is the number one problem when it comes to finding a seat. I've seen at least dozen people, ranging from kids to seniors, standing in the aisles like lost children, popcorn falling on the carpet, soda straw chewed into strange contortions, looking where to sit, while aisles to the left are fucking empty.

Sit DOWN! I'm watching the previews. I know they suck too, but come on.

Look...the screen is fairly large, so it's not necessary to sit dead in the middle. Live a little and sit where the empty seats are. So you can yell at your kids in the corner.

But live and let live I guess.

And you would think the cell phone problem was eliminated. Now the ringers are off, but if one takes a bird's eye view of the theater it looks like an Aerosmith concert--except the lighter it's the fucking BRIGHT phones, all shimmering in the dark, like a disorganized runway.

But I know that mostly everyone has some fits about the movie experience. Ranging from this "popcorn tastes like someone jizzed all over it", to "We're NOT FUCKING BUYING POPCORN," past the "Dude, those nachos reek like shit," to the "I gotta piss after 2 liters of soda."

Sometimes I am guilty of this. I find myself thinking, if there is a huge line, fuck it, I am not going. But then I think about the humanity aspect of it. I swear, sometimes you feel hostility in the air at the movies. Like as if we're not in this together, although we will laugh together. What happened? Perhaps it's the everything is about the money when it comes to movies these days.

What the fuck am I talking about...everything IS about the money...hence Pirates 2. Save the legacy speech for the children. And despite the whooping 135.6 million opening weekend, Disney will cut it's film slate from 18 to eight. Not only that, but Disney is yet to announce as to how many jobs will get slashed. Isn't that the same technique people use to teach dogs not to shit on the carpet? RUB his face in it.

But let's get back to the actual film. The movie is essentially the equivalent of Empire Strikes Back. It's the dark second act. Those pirates in Hollywood know how to sink a line and have you wait for next year. There, I must say, they got me. And like a fucktard, I will line up next year to see the final act. I have to. If you've seen the movie then you know what I mean. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.



For this specific purpose, I chose not to watch the original before hand. I felt too much pirates is not healthy. I've even indulged in a bit of Myer's Original Dark rum to get in a pirate mood. I left the eye-patch at home.

I'm not sure what some critics want from a movie. I guess they want the movie to make them feel special or someshit. To quote Reservoir Dogs, what's special, taking you out back and sucking your dick?

Dead Man's Chest is on par. It's bigger, better and faster!

Then I came home, drank Mount Gay Rum by the barrel and watched the original.



Then mood changed and I understood.

I understand why certain movie critics didn't light up about Pirates. Compared to the first one, Depp doesn't seem to be having as much fun as he did before. Sure he is still Jack Sparrow. He is still hilarious, looney, perfectly exaggerated and still the main reason to go see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, but a certain spark is missing. Perhaps the world was just a happier place when Hunter was around. Perhaps since the stakes are bigger, the Captain has to be a morose motherfucker. Perhaps, the pirate is destined to become the hero. Or perhaps the rum is gone.

Nonetheless, drink up me hearties yoho.