Floss daily

Duuuh.

Drowning in a world of projects. Now I know why they call it deadline. Duuhhh. I'm dead if I don't do it.

Post Thanksgiving Boogie

Sometimes I wonder what people think when they see me walking out of the liquor store with one of those gigantic Carlo Rossi Sangria bottles. Have you seen those things? Next to the shopping carts that's the biggest item they have in there. Granted you probably need someone to haul you around in a shopping cart the next morning, but that's beside the point.

Plus the staff at Binny's Beverage Depot doesn't do that unless you become a card carrying member. And I don't have time for that shit. I want to be in and out. Because I don't crave confrontations as there are two types of people who shop at liquor stores: those who are more happier than the Cookie monster getting their next fix, and the seethingly angry hungover fucks who can't wait to kill their hangover by drinking more. Those are the guys who clench their teeth at the check out line when granny is trying to buy a $1.99 bottle of Sherry and paying for it with her penny jar.


I'm the third guy. Little on the edge from hauling a 5 gallon jug of wine around, pissed at myself for not opting to get a shopping cart, but also slightly amused by watching alcohol take its toll on the human psyche. Now if this pissed off dude beats the lady, should I pull out with my reporter's notebook and ask him how he feels? I guess so.

Next to the MD 20/20 flavor line, the Carlo Rossi juggathon has got to be the choice for the enlightened wino. To a wino, get a couple of guys together, and it's Carlo Rossi red lips time. That's really enlightening.

Which is fine with me because I just found out that Nick and Jessica have called it quits. Oh fuck no say it ain't so.

I wonder why shit like this makes the evening news. And they tease you about it too.

"Nick and Jessica have confirmed what the magazines have been blabbing about for months."

What is it? She is secretly a card carrying member of Binny's Beverage Depot and she gets the shopping cart rides for free? (Yeah right - what rides)

That's when I turn the volume up really loud, call the whole family, honey-get-the-camera type of deal, just to hear the news.

It's over? No way! Can this be true? Should I give a shit? Wow -look at her hair. WOW - look at those tits.

What is Nick thinking some will say.

As pretentiously fake and hot she might be, and for the slew of guys who want to sleep with her, there's Nick who probably can't STAND LOOKING AT HER FUCKING FACE FOR ANOTHER FUCKING MINUTE.

Weird huh.

I saw that MTV show for like one minute, when I was desperately looking for reruns of Beavis and Butt-Head. Then I'd flip to the Animal Planet to learn something new because I've just lost a couple of hundred brain cells by watching this shit. Apparently the Brown Recluse spider can't bite through clothing. Fun Facts.

The Newlyweds make Beavis and Butt-Head look like an episode of CSI.

But then again - who pays attention to what she actually says. I don't. I pay attention to something else...wink wind nudge nudge.

Anyway - no point in getting worked over Hollywood relationships. That's why Carlo Rossi is here with me, celebrating the joys of super cheap table wine.

And speaking of something that needs to change...



...what the FUCK is going on here?

Ahh - Black Friday.

More reasons to buy the shit that we don't need.

I try to avoid the so called black Friday like the Black Plague. I know you can save a whole lot. I know this from experience. But come on. This Jingle All The Way consumer feeding frenzy has to stop.

It's the animosity and human shallowness that I can't bear.

At least fifty times you feel quite able to kill a human being standing next to you. Just because they got the last set of Hanes T-shirts. 100% Cotton.

Bastards!

But I could use a king size bottle of aspirin from CostCo.

Hmmm. Stuffed with turkey and ready to go.

Wild Turkeys

I’m never too psyched about the Thanksgiving holiday. For one, I know there will be some family dispute that will create that “daddy just hit mommy around the dinner table” atmosphere. It will probably be about something stupid anyway. Like somebody will overcook the potatoes. Or the cranberry will be that shitty cranberry that comes in a can, which ends up hibernating on a plate in the refrigerator until next year. It just stares at you whenever you want to make yourself a sandwich, and makes rude remarks.

“NOBOBODY EATS TOMATOES! THEY’RE BAD FOR YOU!”

Why is it that during Thanksgiving the most peculiar shit happens? Daddy gets drunk. Granny looses her marbles. The dog eats half the turkey. They shut off the cable, so now we have to listen to the same stories that we hear during Christmas.

That’s why this year I’m cooking. Fuck it. I’ll have something to do at least. All those other years, when I was just a spectator, hinting at what herbs we should add (HERBS), are over. Now it’s my turn.

“I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the learner. Now, I am the master.”

And strange notions of Clark Griswold cutting the turkey open and the steam flows all around penetrate my head.

I’m a decent cook I think. I’ve cooked this fucking bird before no problem.

I’m doing it the right fashion. I’m going to dress up as a fucking pilgrim. Get hell bent on Wild Turkey, and eat the meat right off the bone. Skin the dog if we have too. That no good, beggar. Do it right damn it!

Visions of meat hooks and machetes, all dancing around the campfire, wearing what Chief Illiniwek wears. Get crazy with the cheese whiz.

What a silly holiday. Are we actually celebrating genocide in this fashion?

“Can you pass the gravy?”

“Get it yourself God damn it!”

It’s all about variety anyways. The family is all there, ridiculing your choice of profession, while your mother just smiles and shrugs as if to say “well that’s what he wants to do.”

People are laughing, the bird is cooking, and nobody gets laid.

Which is why every Thanksgiving I need to tell that George Carlin joke, about why nobody gets laid on Thanksgiving: Because all the coats are on the bed.

But at least we get some time off from school and work. Fuck – my pops is going to be IN all week. I guarantee you that by Wednesday he’ll run out of shit to do and just get drunk whenever he can.

And speaking of getting drunk, the Thanksgiving holiday is the drunk’s holiday. You eat, you drink, you eat, you drink, you puke, you drink, you smoke, you puke, you drink, you eat, until finally you just say fuck it and go streaking through the neighborhood jiving about turkeys and white men stealing this land from the so called “aboriginals.”

Someone one told me recently, that the best turkey to eat is one that you hunt down yourself.

Fuck that.

For some odd reason Wild Turkey is the Thanksgiving drink. And not cause it has the word turkey in it, but because it’s the truth serum that brings out all the deep seated troubles to the forefront. Right during the actual dinner, when Billy bob and Lucy ling can’t agree on how much gravy is enough.

…


Nobody remembers what the fuck they were talking about the next morning anyway.

Must eat leftovers. Must watch the parade. Must eat leftovers. Oooooo, alright, Heartbreak Ridge is on.

We’re not in Kansas anymore.




by Cyryl Jakubowski

Politics in Cyberspace.

6:50 AM, Sunday.

My face is flushed with excitement as I frantically type myself into the next orgasm. It’s not even cyber sex that I’m so worked up over. It’s politics on AOL.

The chat-rooms bring out the vile and evil nature of what we are really like in this country. Good thing journalists have to display some level of professionalism. Good thing there is schooling for shit like this. Otherwise we are all fucked.

AOL is the true face of America. Stroll into those political chat rooms and you will experience insanity at its finest. I can’t believe that I was in those fucking rooms for so long. I guess politics divides us more than we would like to admit. And it is a fun time listening and bickering with these people.

Someone called me a communist.

Someone said Liberals are Nazis.

Someone said Republicans need to take that dick out of Uncle Sam’s ass and share it with the people. Were they talking about money?

Republican, Democrat, meat Popsicle, liberal, conservative, it doesn’t matter in these rooms. People will argue their points to their deaths. Nobody listens. People just spew out pro-Bush tirades, or anti-Bush tales, all without a point. Bush sucks. Bush rules. It’s a giant Beavis and Butt-Head show.

American the Game Show, coming to a theater near you.

And then somebody yells from downstairs: “Hey – leave some of the beer for us!”

Of course you can’t listen to political mumbo jumbo while sober. Shit – that is not an option. You might turn into one of these fucks if you do. It’s that engaging. In fact, I should be drinking coffee and eating eggs.

And fuck poultry. I am not going near a McChicken even if my life depended on it.

I recommend you try and listen yourself to the barrage of hackneyed arguments people make. It’s a funny thing. The “From the Right” chat room is hostile. I mean there is blood left on the axe in there from chopping off all the heads of chickens. It’s the Gung Ho, our boys are there, fuck the Muslims, type of people that penetrate those rooms. And it is a weird relationship these people have. The right wingers will go to the left room and vice versa. Just to pick a fight. Which makes sense – what’s the use of pushing your agenda onto someone who agrees already.

But I did notice one thing. In the left rooms there is more of a picnic, baseball game type of atmosphere going on. People talk about movies, and favorite authors, Robocop, and Jack Nicholson. In the right wing rooms people are hell bent on saying that the “Leftists are bringing this country down.” Someone even said that all the sexually deviant behavior in American is the Left’s fault.

I wasn’t trying to engage. PEOPLE ARE FUCKED when it comes to politics in there. Like HST said, if you let it, it will become an addiction. It’s interesting to be so indifferent and captivated at the same time, while reading all this nonsense that these people say.

And I'm doing it straight method - to level out the playing field.

I’m chugging down Molson Canadian and that doesn’t work since the arguments people are having get dumber and dumber. Then we move onto Rebel – some Czech beer that tastes like it was brewed in a bathtub, stirred with a dirty Wall-Mart floor mop, and siphoned into bottles by using a garden house from Bubba’s house.

“Dang it yeller, stop diggin’ granny up from harr grave!”

That didn’t help the arguments either.

In fact I didn’t even bother forming intelligent arguments at that point. I’m drinking sewer beer – how eloquent can I possibly get.

So I just started rambling about nonsense too.

I shared some of my spaghetti recipes. I informed people that the terrorists probably want their box cutters back. I made an observation about how nobody listens. I made it a point to really talk about nothing.

And nobody cared. In fact you had other people coming up with their own stupid shit too.

Apparently Butterball turkey is over rated. In fact, all the frozen turkeys, apparently, suck dick. You have to taste the buckshot in your meat to be able to talk about quality.

It was like South Park, only in South Park it gets insanely hilarious. Here it was just sad. If this is the state of American politics, where rabid mutants argue about policy and bring up old shit from the past, then we are in for a wild ride.

Personally, maybe presidents need to jerk off more, or get more blow jobs in the Oval office. It would certainly let off some of that pressure that I’m sure is thick in the White House halls. People probably scream about what kind of coffee they want.

“BLACK fucking COFFEE! NOW!”

Maybe Carlin is right. Fuck everything. Let’s see how bad things get. I hear junkies and drunks use that same philosophy. They let their life fall into million tiny needles, razor blades, and broken whiskey bottles, and then they try to crawl out of the proverbial sewer. What a nice way to get positive.

The only way to go is up.

Politics – the place where every American should have a say, even though it doesn’t bring any results anyway.

Face the Future

Live like you mean it...

Still Good

Good God. I haven't seen this shit in ages. Time to go down into the bunker and pull out the old Royal. Why the bunker? Shit - the pandemic is coming. We're all fucked.

It will be the only place to write. Anything worth doing is worth doing right.