PRETTY SOON you won't even be able to smoke on submarines. I'm pretty sure that when that torpedo is nearing on the radar and the ship is taking evasive maneuvers, at least a third of the sailors will pull out their packs of Marlboro reds and light up. Fuck the maneuvers, where is my lighter?
The U.S. Navy, if you haven't heard, is planning to ban smoking on its submarines by next year. That's because it's a confined space, and that second-hand smoke kills, and yeah, you know the fucking argument.
What about if the sub comes to the surface and you can actually get a breath of fresh air, can you smoke then? You know, when like four head honchos come out on the top to "take a look around" and speak with the captain, can you smoke then? What if the captain smokes? And he says it's okay. Can the U.S. Navy really reprimand him if some snotty deckhand gets out of hand and reports the incident?
I mean, the president smokes. How come the sailors, who are under enough stress as it is down there, can't go to the back and puff a few to calm their nerves? What are you going to tell them, to go outside? Because that's what you need in the Navy, some nervous twitchy sailor who can't make an important decision and concentrate on the job because he is trying to quit smoking.
But that's the price in this country. Everybody knows the smokers get the shit end of the stick all the time. Can't smoke in planes, can't smoke in trains, can't smoke in bars, can't smoke at the doctor's office, can't smoke at the City Council building, can't smoke within fifteen feet of a door, can't smoke when you're picking up a whore because she doesn't smoke, can't smoke.... Well you get the point.
And it's not that I can't smoke in certain places that gets my crave for nicotine going. It's that there's a whole new culture out there that is designed to get ME to quit too. Nicotine is fine, as long as you don't smoke it. Come to think of it, weren't the bad guys in "Waterworld" called "Smokers" and the "hero" if you will, Kevin Costner, had fucking gills to breathe underwater. Fuck, even underwater there's a smoking ban. And it's in fucking "Waterworld."
I've quit many times sure, but it only lasted hours. Do we need studies that tell us what the things that are killing us are? Booze, cigs, fast food and lack of exercise.
How American. No shit. John Wayne and all the other "father figures" who went through the 1950s are looking at this shit like, what the fuck? No wonder they are Republicans.
I guess I'm sort of a Republican when it comes to smoking, too.
I always say live and let live, but isn't it time to stop banning all this shit? What do we want to be, a pure and a healthy nation all of a sudden? A culture of jogging freaks who are going "green" and eating their vegetables and running the fucking marathons for a cause? There were a couple of "pure" nations in history and that didn't work out too well.
I know, I know, this will sound as if something a Republican would say, but shut it alright. The far left is just as bad as the far right. They both go to silly extremes.
So cool it. You've been warned. Now light up. And sailors, keep smoking until New Year's. Smoke until that sub needs major cleaning services due to the tar build up. Make the sub yellow. Just so other nonsmokers will know that you've been stationed on that fucking thing.
Cheerio, cheeky monkeys.
