I wanted to write this on my 1950s typewriter. The Royal. It used to be one of my prized possessions. You see, I used to have a typewriter. But not after I took it to a shop on Montrose Avenue because the thing took a bit of a beating during the crazier nights.
"This thing is in bad shape," the man said. My heart carved in two because I loved that typewriter, it was my baby. Fuck you, show me a 1950s Royal in good condition. Do it now.
Yeah, I know it's old and that's why I like it. Because it is old.
But that was Tuesday.
Rewind to Saturday.
I've met Denis Leary once. Sure, he told me that he still smokes 100s, he liked my name and thought it was "cool" and then he signed two of my books. I was at some Borders signing for his new book and it was cold as fuck. I took some bad pictures of the event.
But meeting the man and seeing him perform for the first time in 12 years on the stage in front of a big audience, well that, that's something else.
It's a different beast, and granted, "The Rescue Me Comedy Tour" did save the soul. It was the perfect answer to these ailing times. Not because there was anything inherently Good or Easter like in the show. There wasn't. In fact, this was the first time that I've heard THIS type of off the wall shit in public that I could freely laugh my balls off at the most inappropriate things. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
Hey, Leary is doing it on the stage. Fuck you if you're offended. Dr. Denis Leary is speaking, okay?
And offend he did. I think people were leaving, but I couldn't tell very well because I was sitting in like the sixth row. The only thing I saw were some older broads getting up and down; maybe they pissed themselves.
Okay, maybe seventh row. It didn't matter. Once you see that "face" on the stage, the jacket, the jeans, that asshole grin, you know you're in a world of good material. You know that this fucker works hard.
Most of it was new material. It was good stuff because you still hear the same angry Leary that made him famous with "No Cure for Cancer." Sure, he is older, perhaps wiser, maybe crazier and more immature than he was originally. (Hey, anyone who enjoys cussing is immature. But it's just so much fucking fun, isn't? And the guy is out there, that asshole that we've all come to love and accept for being an asshole.)
That's a good gig. No matter what asshole shit you say, who you desecrate publicly, who you skewer, who you anger, people still love you because that's your job. Pretty neat deal.
"Why is it funny? Because it's mean!" Leary said at the beginning of the show. He sang the "Rehab" song, and a nicer ditty called simply "Fuck You." You know the words, "Fuck you, and anyone who looks like you. Fuck you... fuck you and the horse that you rode in on."
But people ate it up. They knew the point. Shit, you're an asshole by association for seeing the man live on stage. Just by laughing at this crazy shit.
"I'm going to hell for that bit, and you're all coming with me," he said on "Cancer." Come to think of it, the show was better, it was a day before Easter. So we all said a prayer about Natasha Richardson and how more people should go sking during this time of the year. Like Madonna. Maybe Bernie Madoff.
So let's get to the good stuff. The jokes. The way that I've heard them.
Leary on Brad Pitt:
"Look at Brad. He looks so unhappy. Hey I've got kids, I've been to the airport. He has to say "'Shut the fuck up and go to bed' in seven different languages!!!"
The Octomom.
"If she was a superhero she'd be killing people with live babies." Also, "what is that a vagina, or a clown car?"
But you gotta love a guy who reads the newspaper. Leary's comments skewer many of today's attention whores. Besides doing it in the rehab song, Leary actually gave a presentation on pop culture. Sure, he pissed on most of it, but it was funny. It was funny because it was true.
Leary's common sense is that of a Boston guy who sees through the bullshit. And if it gets a laugh or its funny to him, trust me, people laugh alongside. Because it is funny.
It is funny when Leary describes getting Jacuzzi jet streams planted "by accident" between his taint. Yeah, the area between the cock and balls and the asshole. And the hilarity that ensues.
Why? Hey I have a Jacuzzi.
But you have to admire a guy who is in better shape than you are at age 52. Leary pranced around the stage flipping everyone off, singing his ass off for the people, being a good host, getting other comics out, just a stand up guy. What a show.
"This is your captain speaking, look I shit my pants. And I didn't just shit my pants, I mean ankles and everything."
Here's my favorite:
"This next cocksucker is really funny....shit...that's why I couldn't be a daytime talk show host." 'This next cocksucker is really funny.'"
Lenny Clarke and Adam Ferrara were the two other pros on the tour. Mr. Clarke, as I would like to call him due to respect, came off more as the seasoned vet comedian, playing it old skool, loving the audience. Playing with them
"Oh man, what an intelligent audience. You guys are here," he said.
"I sucked a guy's dick once," he said. "I needed the ride... I'm kidding..." "I didn't need the ride."
"I've done coke once...for about nine years."
The real doctor of life's mishaps was here. Never mind the "Snow-billed ice fucker" bird he talked about in Alaska...the one that's the problem with getting the oil out of there fairly rapidly.
He did some "joke" jokes and they delivered. I've heard one before, but those are jokes that just have to find themselves around through the circuit. Fuck you if you weren't there.
Adam Ferrara. That to quote Denis "New Guinea motherfucker." Sure he said it a while back during a roast, but it fit.
Ferrara was the only one who actually fucked with the audience. This is good, if you can pull it off well and build on that. Cuz the audience has a thing called memory.
"You're in ice cream distribution?" "Oh ok, you're an ice cream man." Cue the song.
Ferrara did a funny bit about flying Jamaican airlines. "Thiiis is your captaain speakiin" Laughter. "I can't do it now."
Surprisingly, even Denis Leary did not smoke during the show. Which has to paint a picture against the vast backdrop of Chicago aldermen who were doing some of their own assholin'.
Oh, fire codes. I knew it.
But the show was good and enjoyed myself fully. What happened at the Billy Goat next is a completely different story.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a recollection of the events that transpired according to me.
