Shotgun Blues

Showing visiting tourists from the Old Country how to shotgun a beer is a lesson in cultural assimilation. This goes far beyond heartfelt qualms about immigrants taking American jobs; oh no...remember they are tourists and it's not like they are overstaying their visas. It's about showing the dumb, depraved and above all, entertaining aspects of American culture to others. Tourists don't understand the concept of shotgunning a beer, at least I don't think many do. But I may be wrong.

"What for?" they ask.

"Why?"

Why? Since when has there been a reason to engage in complete stupidity in America? That's the beauty of it. There is no need for reason. There doesn't have to be a "reason." Just do it...and stop wearing Nike's. I hate Nike's, despite what the commercials say.

To us, punching a hole, preferably with a knife in the bottom of the beer can, then tilting your head back, snapping it open and sucking down the libations as fast as you can is normal. It goes without saying, it's one of the few things we learn in American high schools that has no virtual application in the job world.

But we do it. Or at least used to. This goes way beyond those strap-on beer bottle contraptions and way past industrial sized beer bongs. This is simple.

Sometimes you create a monster if you are an adept teacher of the arts of beer pounding.

"Let's do another one."

Geez--I haven't shotgunned a beer in so long. It was a nice re-visit. One has to remember that American culture is founded on getting things done bigger, better and faster.

Go, go, go!

Times change...now only $3.99

Hustler Humor

Here's a couple of old favorites from the pages of Hustler magazine during the 80s. These come from the February 1981 issue. Fun bar jokes if you ask me.

1. Question: What's green and yellow and eats nuts?

Answer: Gonorrhea.

2. The HUSTLER dictionary defines a cotton-picker as: a girl who lost the string to her tampon.

And I own that issue.

Aww-Shucks

Shoot, el presidente said "shit." I wonder where he learned such bad language? Listen, out of all the things that Americans should be concerned about...Noting the barrage of other slightly more worrisome things our president has done, him uttering the word "shit" is the least our worries. I would start worrying if he got taped on the mic saying something along the lines of: That's bull-fucking-shit, we gotta go over there and fuck some shit up. Hezbol...some bullshit, fuck it!

Hypothetically speaking of course, as sometimes the need to clarify is necessary.

That's what would worry me. Any "Party of God" that has an AK-47 on its flag/emblem scares me. But that's just me. Besides, Bush said it right, and I find that nothing shows more respect than proper pronunciation. Say it with me now kids, Hezbollah.

Besides, the word shit is a strong word. It's the All-American word. It's the football player that "won't take shit from anybody," it's the cowboy chopping down trees "watch out now, that shit is falling," and like it or not, it's our president saying he means business. As opposed to other times, when he's just shooting the shit.

I say get this shit off the news.

Bush shooting the shit with Bono

Why is the rum gone?

Setting sail to see the new Pirates movie wasn't difficult. Of course, I opted for the matinee because no one in their right mind should pay full price for a movie ticket. It's either a pack of cigarettes or the "privilege" to see what Hollywood has to offer. And those buggers are rich enough. Bloody pirates.

And like most American theater experiences, an adventure in and of itself, this one was no different.

I tend to sit at the wings of a movie theater. My local cineplex serves the type of people that would rather crowd in the center than take a left and lounge on the seats, balls out (if it were that type of a theater).

Which leads me to a few grievances I have. Now I know that I am not perfect when it comes to watching movies. But I do try to be courteous. I reserve my judgement for better occasions, such as this one.

Finding a seat is never easy. Especially when all the lights go off and one has to do that sleepwalk, hopefully no one will kick me in the shins thing. It's also amusing to me to watch fellow man battle the conventions that are imposed on us by the movie house.

Indecision, I find, is the number one problem when it comes to finding a seat. I've seen at least dozen people, ranging from kids to seniors, standing in the aisles like lost children, popcorn falling on the carpet, soda straw chewed into strange contortions, looking where to sit, while aisles to the left are fucking empty.

Sit DOWN! I'm watching the previews. I know they suck too, but come on.

Look...the screen is fairly large, so it's not necessary to sit dead in the middle. Live a little and sit where the empty seats are. So you can yell at your kids in the corner.

But live and let live I guess.

And you would think the cell phone problem was eliminated. Now the ringers are off, but if one takes a bird's eye view of the theater it looks like an Aerosmith concert--except the lighter it's the fucking BRIGHT phones, all shimmering in the dark, like a disorganized runway.

But I know that mostly everyone has some fits about the movie experience. Ranging from this "popcorn tastes like someone jizzed all over it", to "We're NOT FUCKING BUYING POPCORN," past the "Dude, those nachos reek like shit," to the "I gotta piss after 2 liters of soda."

Sometimes I am guilty of this. I find myself thinking, if there is a huge line, fuck it, I am not going. But then I think about the humanity aspect of it. I swear, sometimes you feel hostility in the air at the movies. Like as if we're not in this together, although we will laugh together. What happened? Perhaps it's the everything is about the money when it comes to movies these days.

What the fuck am I talking about...everything IS about the money...hence Pirates 2. Save the legacy speech for the children. And despite the whooping 135.6 million opening weekend, Disney will cut it's film slate from 18 to eight. Not only that, but Disney is yet to announce as to how many jobs will get slashed. Isn't that the same technique people use to teach dogs not to shit on the carpet? RUB his face in it.

But let's get back to the actual film. The movie is essentially the equivalent of Empire Strikes Back. It's the dark second act. Those pirates in Hollywood know how to sink a line and have you wait for next year. There, I must say, they got me. And like a fucktard, I will line up next year to see the final act. I have to. If you've seen the movie then you know what I mean. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.



For this specific purpose, I chose not to watch the original before hand. I felt too much pirates is not healthy. I've even indulged in a bit of Myer's Original Dark rum to get in a pirate mood. I left the eye-patch at home.

I'm not sure what some critics want from a movie. I guess they want the movie to make them feel special or someshit. To quote Reservoir Dogs, what's special, taking you out back and sucking your dick?

Dead Man's Chest is on par. It's bigger, better and faster!

Then I came home, drank Mount Gay Rum by the barrel and watched the original.



Then mood changed and I understood.

I understand why certain movie critics didn't light up about Pirates. Compared to the first one, Depp doesn't seem to be having as much fun as he did before. Sure he is still Jack Sparrow. He is still hilarious, looney, perfectly exaggerated and still the main reason to go see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, but a certain spark is missing. Perhaps the world was just a happier place when Hunter was around. Perhaps since the stakes are bigger, the Captain has to be a morose motherfucker. Perhaps, the pirate is destined to become the hero. Or perhaps the rum is gone.

Nonetheless, drink up me hearties yoho.

Bust

After an incident like this, what happens next? Who smokes it, snorts it or shots it? Err...I mean flushes it down the toilet or burns it.

Apparently, it's the most remarkable product.

Can you kick it?

Boy, somebody in Berlin sure has a twisted sense of humor. Last Wednesday, Berlin police arrested cement soccer ball pranksters. I guess somebody wasn't happy with certain game results. While soccer fever hasn't hit the U.S. in the numbers that most would hope, cement-filled soccer balls might be the answer when dealing with unruly soccer practice kids. It might catch on. Those kids have no decency when it comes to caring for clothes. Do you realize how hard it is to get grass stains out of white uniforms? Tide all you want, but only bleach has that stain removing power to get rid of blood out of white socks.

All joking aside, how fucked up and generally malicious toward humanity does one have to be to invite people to kick cement-filled soccer balls? Only in Berlin apparently. Pranksters.

The American Way

Time to ponder the American Way. Only on the Fourth of July does reflection about the things we take for granted in this beautiful country of ours apply. Yet as I stood in front of the charcoal grill, white smoke getting into my eyes, I thought about this "American Way." In truth, the American Way defies reason. It's completely illogical, hazardous to your health, and most like will have you dying before your time. Which is why most people, preferably from other countries, can't understand why we love (or loved) gas guzzling cars, twenty inch steaks slathered with A.1, light beer, fireworks and the Simpsons.

Because we can. We love to flaunt that idea of freedom in front of the whole world. As it should be. The thing the American Way taught us is that it is as much mine as it is yours. So we drive drunk in tin cans, eat high cholesterol foods, drop down from massive heart attacks and smoke two packs a day. Then we die. Of course we do. Then we learn not do drive drunk in tin cans, eat bad foods and smoke. But we learn or go sober. Because you have to feel a little bit guilty when you think about when it is your turn to quit all the bad vices. But quitting is also a part of the American Way. And if the world hates us because of our illogical arrogance...then so be it! We'll sing the Star Spangled banner drunk if we have to. Blurt that bad boy out and at the end of the first verse when it's time to ask if the flag still stands...You know what we'll say? FUCK YEAH it still stands and it's going to stand for a really long time.

So much for the American Way rant.

In the end the American Way defies reason because it is something that has to be experienced and felt and not written about. As today's Sun-Times editorial stated:

Americans recognize their country is something special; this is not hubris or arrogance, but an appreciation that the freedoms experienced by those who emigrated here from countries fraught by war, tyranny or terrible poverty are a beneficence that can be given nowhere else.

Perhaps the American Way is, much like cigarettes, a nail in our coffins. But we will die fighting for the right and the privilege to die righteously. (From clogged arteries, malignant tumors or diabetes reactions)

To me the American way is pretty much still the 70s version. The one that wasn't health conscious, but strung with brawn and brutality and above all, illogical macho. To me the American way had balls to say what we wanted, do what we wanted,smoke what we wanted,fuck who we wanted and die how we wanted. Just like now. It's still here. So wave THE flag.